So, love is a decent word. It carries all your pains and sorrows away. And love is patient. Love is giving. Love is forgiveness. And one day, when you find love, your dream is just become...

   Monday, April 28, 2003  

drift. that is the word. drift. dreaded word.
is it schoolwork? if not, what is it? i c no other reasons. why the drift?
i have no answer to my own question. i am just lead into wondering. wondering everyday. why the drift. the cause? solution? or... maybe even... is there a drift? thoughts just run through my mind and sometimes i quiver with fear. at times, i cant concentrate. smiling always, but inside? i wonder. the weariness is coming out. the coever can no longer take it. it is showing.
love ya girl...

   posted by zHaN at 4/28/2003 06:08:00 am






   Saturday, April 26, 2003  

haven been updating for some time. well, i was quite caught up by my school work. pressure is really mounting on. there is no space for breathing. really really no wonder all teachers said JC life is shiok, but, they wont want to go through it another time. recently been down due to several reasons. lagging in school work... shortage of time... me n her pms-ing one after another. well, guess this weekend would be a good time to take a short rest. like what girl said, i m just like a battery. store n use for one week, charge to max during weekend. next week is not any slack week, with so many things happening beside school work. i can make it! quite torn apart by school, oac n hse reps. really... balance is required. well, guess that i was not exactly talking cock last nite when i told brani that u got to balance your tealights on ur head and walk, creating a parallel between balancing of school work and CCAs... though it is crap from me, hope they really can do that.
love, me

   posted by zHaN at 4/26/2003 07:47:00 pm






   Sunday, April 20, 2003  

been a long weekend so far. i got this funny feeling that i dont know how to describe. she seems rather cold to me. a bit weird behavoiur to me. i dont know what is going on. mood swings? hot n cold. sometimes, things seems normal, but, the next moment, it is a different story. i am feeling lost. what can i do? what is this situation about? i dont know! why is she treating me like that? or, is she treating me like tt or is it just me? i have no answers to these qns. no mood to do my tutorials. sianed. whenever i sit down alone, i cant help but to think of this... it is killing me... =(
luv ya, zHaN

   posted by zHaN at 4/20/2003 08:48:00 am






   Thursday, April 17, 2003  

7+pm, mr tan came down, preparing to go home. outside house room, we met him and engaged in a talk. a casual chat initially... then we found out about a lot of thigns and it turned out to be that a great disaster is about to befall on us. the 7th? what the hell. let me state something again. we hse reps work on this word called PASSION. we SHARE our work and all ROLES are integrated among us. what the... nvm.
ltr on, sent her home. it was quite late, but was rather happy. thigns seems to be better. good old sweet girl... love ya. zJ

   posted by zHaN at 4/17/2003 10:08:00 am






   Tuesday, April 15, 2003  

i hate this feeling. i hate the silence. there seems to be something wrong, but, i just dont know whats wrong. there seems to be an invisible barrier between us. she is stress i know, mainly cos of her results, but, there is nothing much i can do. i could just watch. i could feel myself repelled when i get close to girl... i hate this feeling. there just seems to be something, driving an invisible and indestructable wedge between us... what could this thing be? is it really that true? is it really true that this wedge could the stress and work? is it really true that stress/work and relationship cannot co-exist? i refuse to believe. i believe that in a relationship, we support each other, help each other along. we are t4hre for each other. it is because that u have an important place in my heart, that i do really really care. it really hurts to see girl so down. girl is always chirpy n jumpy, but, they seemed to be sucked out of her. i really wish that things can be the same as before. we care for each other, help each other... i really do love u...
dependant? i dunno. but, how can one be independant all the way? i dont know. i hope all things would be over fast... n well. *hugz* i will hug my deer n hippo to sleep. everynite. i will continue to have nitemares for the next 60 years...
love ya, zHaN

   posted by zHaN at 4/15/2003 05:39:00 am






   Saturday, April 12, 2003  

i was reading the papers this morning when one sentence struck me... "dont come back. i am very i tired" this sentence came from ther mouth of a nurse working at the communicable disease centre near toa payoh. indeed, these group of people have been working round the clock, ensuring that the condition of patients are good. they even got to take test on the patients through the night. any delay might cause a loss of life. these people are really admirable for their endurance, courage and patience. patients there arent at the best of moods, yet, they stayed on there (willingly or compelled, no matter), cared for the patients, overcoming the physically drained body of theirs. they deserved a nod from all of us. they deserve to be looked up to. well, seems like the least we can do is like what the papers have ben saying - dont shun them.
love, me

   posted by zHaN at 4/12/2003 11:00:00 pm



 

today is an expeceptionally great day for me. morning started off with some soccer. well, we managed to SCORE some goals. wow. achievement. the GM in school was damn boring and draggy. sick. later, went out with girl girl. it was so dumb lor. playing ard. me was on my p****ing spree!! haha. stupid spreeeee i got. thanx to her suaning me over my sniff sniff. will make sure she neva suans me over it again. hohoho. or else p**** p****... half a year have gone. marked it with a promise. real sweet of her. "i(girl) will continue to have nightmare for the next > 60 years, for everyday i m with u, i have nightmares...". real real sweet. hope this promise will be able to be seen through by both of us...
anw today, my dearest MAN U trashed newcastle 6-2. omg. it was a great match! *perhpas only the ffront part... anw, it was great! esp after the 1-3 loss in mid week. now, pressure will be on arsenal. hope MAN U will cheng this high morlae n form to overcome this hard period. yeah!
met girl online just now... said she shy. keke. okok... dun wanna let pple tt dunno her well know too much. haha. ok lor... dot dot dot. had a nice tok =) seems like online is the best way of communication after phone is ruled out...
yawn, tired. sleeping. i love u girl...
love, me

   posted by zHaN at 4/12/2003 09:16:00 am






   Friday, April 11, 2003  

today, i got back all my exam papers. well. almost all. only GP is left hanging. stupid grades i got. A B C D. rather good results already, looking at the average performance across the cohord. A for MC, B for PHY, C for FM, D for CM. i kinda maintained my results from last year promo. ABC. but, chem was a big flop. i achieved A in promo, but this time round, i dont know what happen. D. it was the paper that i had the most confidence in, before and after doing the paper. i thought that i could ewasily get a B for that. i even told my teacher i expect nothing less than 65 B. sad. really sad. i was expecting phy to flop, but nice surprise. then, i was depending on chem to be part of my BBC (for S paper), but, it came as a rude SHOCK. i received my physics by that time, thus the results on my hand were B,D. i was very worried as FM is not very dependable. but... holy pleasant surprise. FM got C!!! whoopee! now, i can keep my S... but, faced with another dilemma. should i continue to take it, now that ihave a choice? what do i actually want? S paper? for the prestige? or just because pple are taking, so i should? i am not very sure myself. what i can think of is scholarships... that is what drives me towards taking S now. i wonder if it is really what i want... my friends are dropping them... i feel very lonely suddenly...
well, i guess i would just continue taking... jian chi dao di. even if i dont wanna take at As, it could always serve as a good add-on to the cirriculum. i benefitted a lot from the S lessons and it cleared a lot of doubts in my this CT. anw, physics is my interest too.. =) just now, i met my teacher online. chem teahcer. he asked me if i am disappinted, as i got like LOW D and not a high B as i expected. well... disappointed i am.. but, i told him one thing. "watch out for a comeback kid". yeah. i will be strong. watch out.

   posted by zHaN at 4/11/2003 08:21:00 am






   Wednesday, April 09, 2003  

i finally finished my exams today. rather dumb. after a long wait of many weeks. finally. FM paper today was easier than the previous papers which i kinda failed. but, still, there are some real killer questions. what makes it worst is that i know how to do some qns, but, i just cant get the solution onto the paper from the back of my head. agnoising. worst still, i know what is the answer, but i just can get the correct ans. dumb. anw, all is over. happy.
went out with girl today. it was real touched... sweet girl. really cant guess what she will do next. haha. still that quote. "never fails to amuse me". it has been half a year. time really flies. (nearly) half a year since she said yes to me. in this half year, many things have happened. sad, happy, sweet, sour... we have really gone through a lot and we matured through it. we learned from each other and i think we are kinda affected by each other now also. seeing her mugging, i suan-ed her. haha. reply was that cos of my influence. opps! haha. anw, really really love the gifts u gave me. esp, during this tough period of CT, cant believe girl actually tookt he trouble to make such a nice one... thanx... love ya... will take it to sleep every nite. will hug it n dream of ya...
tonite, intend to stay up late. havoc. tml still have meeting. yawn. sigh...

   posted by zHaN at 4/09/2003 08:12:00 am






   Monday, April 07, 2003  

i was flipping through the newspapers when an article caught my eye. "I had bone cancer at 12". i was thinking. omg... how is this peson going to live... i read it and wished to share it with others...

family support: My family gave me a lot of support. My mum was by my side and slept with me whenever i had to stay at KK women's and children's hospital for chemotheraphy every three weeks or so. my brother and sister would alsokeep me company in hospital everyday after their classes, joking and playing games like scrabble and monopoly with me. they consoled me by saying: "you are a very strong girl. you will get well soon"

amputation: ...chemotherapthy was not shrinking the cancer cells. so he told me my right leg had to be amputated to the upper thigh. my parents explained that i had no choice, otherwise i would die. i thought then it was best that i lose my leg than lose my life. at first i was very concerned about the pain of amputation. then, i became more worried about the loss of my limb. that's because its very important to have two legs; they letyou catch up with friends in school and help you to be normal like others."

strong-willed girl: i now wear a prosthetic leg... when i go out with my family on wekends, some people can be impolite but i try not to react to their stares. sometimes i do feel like scolding them, like "you should be more polite", or "please be considerate". but i dont really care what others mumble about or whisper when they see me, because they may not be saying anything about me. i also tell myself they are not speaking ill of me, but are saying instead what a brave and strong girl i am. yes life is worth living because i am content with what i have, especially my health, which is the most important thing. i used to be bad-tempereed and would throw spoons and forks when i was angry. my sister says that i am still a very quiet person but i used to like thunderstorms at times. but i am not angry that i got cancer, just surprised cecause i had not known about this disease before. i've learnt thatlife is unpredictable; you never know what will happen next. when the hospital social worker recommended that i make a wish to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, i wished for a video camera because i wanted to use it to record precious moments with my family. i was very excited when my wish was granted. among the first scenes i filmed was a family trip with relatives to sentosa and the fish in my aquarium. my illness has changed me a lot because i now understand that life is worth living, because even though i've lost a leg, i can still use my two hands. also, there will always be people worse off than you, like the people in iraq now, who have no food or water and have to keep running because the war is in their country."

she may sound naive and innocent and constantly trying to deceive herself, but i feel that the ability to do that is commendable. she is able to put behind all the dark patches in her live and look on the bright side of life. she doesnt give up that easily and live on with her life, just as usual. being this optimistic is never that easy, espcially in her case as it is a limb that is lost, justlike what she said, a limb is used to "catcup up with friends". hope that this optimistic view will be shared among all. hey, come on! look on the bright side of life. things just wont get too much worse, it will turn for the better. look at what you have now and be glad. zhi1 zhu2 chang2 le4! even if you lost your leg, you still can use your both hands...
love, me

   posted by zHaN at 4/07/2003 06:21:00 pm



 

today have been a long day for me. morning was a total waste of time. wandering around my house (as though i dont know my house well enough) waiting for time to come. kinda excited about badminton. yerah yeah, it has been a long time i played k... anw, WALKED to queensway to meet shao. thanx (i mean no thanx) to louis, who told us CONFIDENTLY that queensway wld be poen that early... well, of course, none of the shops are open! only. mac n a specky shop. shao n me just waited. then, this ar-neh shop opened n we bought a soccer ball. shiok. i got my ball finally! that arneh guy was very funny n nice. "g-chap-nhor-dollas" haha. well, later on met with the guys for badminton. really never had sooo much fun. smashing, running, sheeding away all the fats that i acucmulated over the weeks. (sounds like what huiwen said. haha). the guys came over to my house later on to watch RA movie, haha. then went to have lunch-dinner. studied FM. shiok!
guess i really am those that love company... love those times where people gather n have great fun together. i hate being alone... haiz. if only girl was there also... nvm =) believe will have chance one. come to the worst, i wait till after 3.5 years (thanx collin for reminding me) later. haha. wo hui deng ni dE... =)
tired... yearn for some rest.. yaWn...

   posted by zHaN at 4/07/2003 07:39:00 am






   Sunday, April 06, 2003  

been a long day. now is 1am. i am kind of a nite-owl type person i guess. been up till real late these few days. hey, comeon, sch starting. cannot continue like this anymore...
today, got to know exactly what happened between girl n girl-pa. guess it was real bad. kind of sad to hear that. hope that thigns turns out fine for her. when i started a relationship at this age, know that things will not go right. yes, as what pople always say, thigns always go wrong. you arent mature enough; your arent free enough; you arent able to support yourself, else support others?; you wld face the restrictions of parents; studies is your main piorty. i agree to all those. but, it is this undyiung feeling inside me that keeps me going with girl. no choice, since i chose to go the bumpy road, i would have to see it through. no way am i gonn say i am going to get off the car and take the plane. woohoo. no more bumps. smooth flight. no. i will see it through. guess that it would be hard to meet anymore in future. guess that it would be tong ku for both of us at times. at time, esp when we need each other's support, we can only be spiritually there... well, maybe what collin said was right. give each other some time. absence makes the heart grows fonder doesnt it? maybe. quite true. we will have to treasure the minutes n seconds that we spend together, with these coming up. hope it really makes us grows fonder. =)
talking about this, reminds me of that day when i was talking to collin. i was filling up the NS registration form when she told me tt sentence. then i suddenly though. "hey.. thanx manz... i go NS u tell me [absence makes the heart grows fonder]." lol. NS. 2.5 years. guess it would be real hard on both of us... one year grounded + 2.5 years away. total up sort of equals to 3 and a half years away. arrr!!! well... as what we always say, we got to make a disadvantage be our advantage. so, guess we really got to follow collin's WISE SAYING... let absence makes our hearts grow fonder.
love, me

   posted by zHaN at 4/06/2003 10:12:00 am






   Saturday, April 05, 2003  

I was just browsing throught the net when i found this piece of essay. indeed, i agree very very much to it. could feel the similairty among both of us, me n author. decided to keep it in my blog.
It is my belief that the soul is clean and pure...always and in everyone. It is within our heads and our hearts that we often lose our way. The stress of living, working, and all the things in our earthly world that would not be positive, nurturing influences in our lives cause our hearts and minds to become estranged from the influence of our soul...disconnected...and thus we seek satisfaction, resolution and sometimes, retribution on an earthly plane. Truly at these times, what we really need to seek, is the connection of our soul...and all the rest, will cease to exist. If only for moments, there is peace.

For me it is poetry, and most often in the form of song. Music moves me to places within myself, that I'd never be able to travel alone. Often I am amazed that an artist has expressed my own feelings and if nothing else, when feeling isolated, I feel a comraderie with the human race. Again, a connection. More often than not, I am reminded of an ideal, a feeling, a belief that somewhere along the way I had forgotten. It is inspiring, a renewal or even a rebirth, and it is like a long nap after hard work...it is truly refreshing.

That is nourishments..food for the heart and the mind, connection for the soul. That is what I hoped to share with you here. It is ongoing, as there are so many wonderful poets, musicians and artists in the world. They speak to us softly of clarity, honesty and beauty. We have but to listen.

here is webby. no harm looking through it =) http://www.pointoffocus.com/Inspiration/focusinspiration.html

love, me

   posted by zHaN at 4/05/2003 11:03:00 pm



 

well, seems like it works. my html haven been too bad either. at least still can understand wat the hell it talking about. cant really type it out now. haha. old liaoz. nows about 3am in the morning, me still weide awake. my supposed first proper entry i guess. guess why i chose this setting? sunset by the island...? cos thats what i dream of. i dream of a carefree life, just with girl on this island, watching sunset everyday. really misses the times when we watch sunset at pandan. it was really sweet. watching the sun goes down. across the horizon. marks the end of a day, but alaos the start of the nite. goes in a cycle. next morning, it is up again. love those precious moments...
a lot have happened b/n me n her. misunderstanding. quarrels, but she still holds an important place in my heart. today was kinda dumb. supposed to meet, but i din bring phone. then she sms me, say cannot meet. i called her, she refused to listen. lucky i met adrain our ex-oac-prez. messaged her. she was really upset at tt time. can hear from her tone. such a lovely n chirpy girl speaking in those tone? i really worry... got home. read that she had a quarrel. tears rolled down her cheeks... really hurts me to see her like tt. she is seldom like tt. something really bad must have happen... i could do nothing much. just dont add pressure to her. decided just to sms her in the day n not call her. think her parents not tt happy. girl... if u need, a shoulder to cry on, i have one. hear the song in your heart.
growing up. thats what i call. going thru events, letting your young naive brain take the turmoil n pain. let it grow. at the end of the day, you emerge as a better man. thats the best gain from all the sufferings. hope our relationship grows. grows deeper n stronger. grow in our hearts...
its late. time to sleep. 3.30am.
love, me

   posted by zHaN at 4/05/2003 11:31:00 am